Bend Her/Transcript
Credits. Caption: Too Hot For Radio. :['''Scene': Madison Cube Garden. The Earth 3004 Olympic Games (Plus Opening Act) are being staged. Crowds cheer as an athlete carrying the Olympic torch runs up the steps to light the Olympic flame. He opens a hatch in the side, ignites the pilot light and turns the flame up like a hotplate. The crowds cheer.]'' TV Commentator: voice-over Welcome to the games of the 3004 Earth Olympiad. Continuing this network's tradition of sports-casting excellence. the track, competitors walk by. Robots from Cyberia, Joe from The Nation of Joe and prisoners from Devil's Island. Celebrity Ape Fight will return next week at its regular time. :Fry, Leela, Amy, Bender and Zoidberg watch the games from the bleachers. Fry: So who should I root for? America or one of those countries I learned about at the food court? Amy: How 'bout those guys? :the track some people dressed in stripy jerseys and French berets and carrying loaves of long bread wave to the crowd. Leela: No, they're from the Republic of French Stereotypes. Everybody hates them. Farnsworth: Oh, let's go check on Hermes. All this inspiring multi-culturalism is angrying up my blood. Fry, Leela and Amy get up and leave. They pass some fans holding a "Go Sweden!" banner. Sweden? I don't think so! :snatches the banner from them and screws it up. :['''Scene': Training Room. Hermes limbos under a limbo stick.]'' Hermes: Go on, stick, touch me! Can't do it! :limbo stick is about five feet off the ground. The other Planet Express staff and LaBarbara are gathered around. LaBarbara: Husband, you haven't been an Olympic-class limbo-er for 20 years! Quit lying to your podgy self. Leela: It does seem like Jamaica will be able to field a strong limbo team without you. Amy: Yeah, isn't that basically all Jamaicans do? Hermes: Jamaicans have other interests. Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport. LaBarbara: That's when they begged my husband to step in and make an ass out of himself. Hermes: And I said I'd try my very best. Fry: But have they seen your ... y'know ... physique, since the old days? Hermes: I described it to them on the phone ... using a series of artful euphemisms. :holds a red and blue jumpsuit. Farnsworth: Don't worry. The fat pig will do fine thanks to this flabbo-dynamic spandex bodysuit I've designed. wriggles into the bodysuit. It redistributes his weight, shifting his centre of gravity closer to his knees. :bodysuit contracts around Hermes' waist and his flab equals out underneath it. Hermes: Ooh, that's snug! creaks. Oh, those haven't descended in years. Farnsworth: Now that's a limbo-er's body! :cheers. LaBarbara: Look at that fine Jamaican bacon! :['''Scene': Madison Cube Garden. Bender and Zoidberg watch some competitors warm up on the field. All is quiet between the two.]'' Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg! The robot bending events are starting. robots flex their robot muscles. Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals. crane drops three unbendable girders into the hands of a robot. The robot bends them with little effort. Bender gasps as he watches. The robot holds up the bent girders. Wow! That guy must be like the world's greatest bender. My dreams of glory died before they began. Zoidberg: Welcome to my life! :bursts into tears. Female Announcer: loudspeaker Athletes, please take your lanes for the men's 500 metre limbo. :the track, the limbo-ers warm up. A tall athlete takes his lane next to Hermes. Barbados Slim: Hermes Conrad, is that you inside that dumpy little fat man? :gasps. Hermes: Barbados Slim! What are you doing here? Last time I heard you were in Barbados. Barbados Slim: Yes and I be going back there with a gold medal draped around my elegant Caribbean shoulders. :laughs. Hermes: Your body may be as perfectly-sculpted as it was 20 years ago when you whupped my fat ass every time we met. pulls the bodysuit hood over his hair. But today, I feel lucky. :hood squashes his hair flat and then into a rounded point. Barbados Slim: I see you're still able to limbo under the bar of fashion sense! :laughs. Hermes: That's it, Barbados Slim. You've gone one toke over the line! Man: Limbo-ers, on your marks. Get rubbery. Limbo! :shoots the starter gun and the limbo-ers run off down the track and under the limbo sticks. Commentator: voice-over There they go, and Barbados Slim takes an early lead. God, I hope he wins. gasps as he runs. What's this? Hermes Conrad is closing the gap. He's limbo-ed out of retirement and straight into my heart. I say go to hell, Barbados Slim! :staff and LaBarbara watch and cheer and hold up a banner reading "You The Mon". Farnsworth: shouting Go, bodysuit, go! Zoidberg: shouting Go! Bender: shouting C'mon! LaBarbara: shouting C'mon, Hermes, beat that mahogany god! :closes in on Barbados Slim as they approach the last limbo stick. Commentator: voice-over It's Barbados, then Conrad. Conrad pulls ahead! pants as he passes Barbados Slim and they go down under the last stick. A ball of flab on Hermes starts to float up the bodysuit. It tears the bodysuit and knocks the limbo stick away. Hermes falls to the ground and Barbados Slim crosses the finish line. And Conrad is disqualified! Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold! :runs to Hermes' side. LaBarbara: Aw, there, there, Hermes. pats his flab. You did your best. If I'd wanted a human Adonis for a husband, I'd have stayed married to Barbados Slim. :staff sit down again. Bender: Well, enough about Hermes. I couldn't win a medal either. Even at bending, the thing I was built to do. I'm so embarrassed. I wish everybody else was dead. Female Announcer: loudspeaker Up next, the Fembot bending competition. :the field Fembots bend coat hangers. Bender: Fembots? chuckles. Methinks a clever Manbot suitably disguised might win those events! But the charade would require subtlety, nuance, grace. :Lapse. Bender, wearing a dress and headscarf, impatiently waits for officials to look for his entry form. Bender: What do you mean I'm not registered? My name is Coilette and I'm from, uh ... Robonia! Coilette's a chick's name! Official: Yes but "Robonia" sounds like something somebody made up on the spot. Bender: Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed like a chick? :official squirms and hands Bender a card. :Lapse. "Coilette" from the Grand Duchy of Robonia prepares for the competition. A whistle blows. Bender straightens a bent girder. A man puts a protractor to it and gives a thumbs up. Commentator: voice-over And it's straight! Coilette wins! :Lapse. Bender has now entered the javelin event. He runs with the javelin, stops, bends it, throws it and watches it fly across the field. It is the farthest thrown. Commentator: voice-over Another gold medal for the spunky maid from Robonia. :Lapse. In what looks to be a diving competition, Bender stands at the end of a girder-shaped diving board. The starter beeps and he dives off the end, grabs the girder and bends it as he falls. Commentator: voice-over A perfect bend and a flawless entry. No splash at all! robot officials hold up their scores. A 10.0, another 10.0 and a 9.9. Bender's dress falls revealing his underwear and the last judge changes his score to 10.0. Perfect scores! A record five gold medals for Coilette! :flips onto his feet and cheers. Bender: I'm great! Everybody else sucks! Except that guy Bender. He's really somethin'! :cheers. Female Announcer: loudspeaker All medallists report for gender testing. :screams. :['''Scene': Madison Cube Garden Tunnel. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Amy stand around Bender who is still disguised.]'' Leela: You actually thought they'd let you walk away without an engine oil sex check? Bender: crying Oh, God, I'm not gonna get my medals! They're all I have to remember my Olympic career. stops crying. Wait, I've got it! Professor, make a woman out of me! Farnsworth: Oh, I think we should just stay friends. :pats Bender's hand. Bender: I don't need friends. I need a sex change operation and give it to me now! Farnsworth: Bender, a robot sex change is a complex and dangerous procedure. Replacing your testosteroil with Fembot lubricants can cause wild mood swings. And the effects may be irreversible. Well, let's get started! Leela: No, you can't! Amy: If you have even the slightest respect for the dignity of women-- Bender: Pft. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, ladies, but I must do this. Not for you, not for Bender, but for the proud people of Robonia! :['''Scene': Outside Robot Medical Tent. Three robots line up outside for treatment. One has been impaled on a fencing sword, another has been impaled with five javelins and another has been impaled on a tennis racket. Bender holds up the side of the tent and ushers Farnsworth, Fry and Leela inside.]'' Bender: whispering C'mon! :['''Cut to': Robot Medical Tent. Bender lies down on an operating table.]'' Fry: I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick. However, I will watch out of curiosity. Farnsworth: shouting Quiet! talking I'm about to begin the process of reshaping Bender's body into a tender, delicate form. :starts hitting Bender's casing with a sledgehammer. His shadow is cast on the wall and Bender cries out in pain. :Lapse. Farnsworth jacks Bender's head up. He puts a spanner between Bender's legs. Farnsworth: Draining male oil. pours out of Bender into a tray. Amy faints. Farnsworth hooks up a tin of Femmzoil. Infusing female oil. looks worried. Farnsworth holds up some shears. Removing item. :holds the shears around Bender's antenna. Fry cringes as Bender's antenna is snipped off. :['''Scene': Outside Robot Medical Tent. A robot and a Fembot wait for Coilette at the gender testing.]'' Robot: We can't wait for Coilette any longer, damnit. I have to get home to watch The Zombie Osbournes. :curtain draws back and Coilette walks out of the tent. Coilette: I'm ready for my test now, boys. :robots' jaws drop ... off. :['''Scene': Madison Cube Garden. The winner's podiums have been set up and Coilette stands on it wearing her five gold medals. She has brown hair, a slim figure and an alarming amount of lipstick.]'' Coilette: singing Hail, hail, Robonia. A land I didn't make up. :crowd cheers and bouquets of flowers are thrown. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch Coilette cheering on the podium. She does a victory dance and takes her top off.]'' Coilette: TV Ooh, yeah! Come on, baby! Boom! Coilette: Oh, yeah, baby! C'mon! Work your cans! That's it! Shake it out! Leela: I don't know which I'm more: Enraged or disgusted. Coilette: I'm just out there making us ladies look good. Amy: Snuh-uh! You're making us look like jerks in front of the other genders. Fry: But you're not really a lady anyway. Right? :puts a glass of water on the table. Coilette: Of course not. :puts Fry's glass on a coaster. Farnsworth: Dear Lord! A coaster! The Femmzoil must be sachet-ing girlishly into your processor. Coilette: Then change me back. My breasts are keeping me awake at night anyway. phone rings. Coilette giggles and skips over to it. She picks it up. Hello? What? A guest spot on Late Night With Humorbot 5.0? I'd love to! gasps. My own limo? No I don't have my own limo. You'd better send one. hangs up. I need a rain check on that nad-swap, Professor. I'm going on TV. C'mon, Fry. Help me pick out a pantsuit. :['''Scene': Late Night With Humorbot 5.0 Studio. The studio looks like the studio for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. The audience are all robots. Humorbot 5.0 interviews Calculon.]'' Humorbot 5.0: So, Calculon, do you want to set up this clip from All My Circuits? Calculon: No, I think it's self-explanatory. :screen comes up behind them and they turn to face it. On the screen, a pirate barbecues some burgers and Calculon gives a melodramatic performance. Calculon: on TV Nooo! :falls to his knees. In the studio the audience applaud and stop instantly. Calculon: Funny story: The script called for me to say "yes" but I gave it a little twist. Humorbot 5.0: Anecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not found. Please put your hands together for my next guest. Winner of five Olympic medals, Coilette from Robonia. Coilette. She blows kisses to the audience and struts over to a seat. She shakes Humorbot 5.0's hand and sits down. So, Coilette, many young Fembot's wish to emulate you. Any advice for them? Coilette: Yes, Humorbot. If you ask me, women today are too stuck up to go out and jiggle their Jello like everybody wants them to. In fact, should I do it now? audience hoots. Alright then! plays. Woo! Look out, baby! Work it out! Ooh, shake that thing! You gotta use it, lady! Shake it up a little! That's right. Come on! Look at that! :audience cheers. Calculon: Madam, I am one impressed celebrity. Coilette: Oh, I bet you say that to all the five-Olympic-gold medal-winning Fembots! Calculon: sexfully From this day forward I shall do so whenever possible. Coilette: Golly ... what? Calculon: Coilette, this may be presumptuous-- Coilette: That's my favourite kind of this! Calculon: But I would be honoured if you would join me for dinner sometime. :audience hoot. Coilette: Calculon, you'd be fulfilling this naive Robonian farmgirl's fantasy. Calculon: Of course I would. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hangar. Coilette stands in front of a locker admiring herself in a mirror. She is dressed in pink Fembot clothes. The crew are gathered around.]'' Coilette: This top makes me look fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude? Amy: Yes. Coilette: Perfect. :takes the top off. Fry: You gotta tell me: You're not actually attracted to Calculon, right? And if you are, don't tell me. Are you? Coilette: Certainly not. But just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged. Is that so much to ask? Leela: Well I think you dating a Manbot is a disgrace and I refuse to be involved. And you have way too much lipstick on. :nods. Coilette: Are you kidding? I need more lipstick! Much more! pastes it on around her mouth. Ooh, yeah! That's the stuff! Men love it when you really glob it on. Leela: No, they don't. Amy: No way! Coilette: Oh, please! Every man wants a tramp. No wonder you girls aren't married. giggles. I tell you, men are so much better at being women. :puts some earrings on using a nailgun. Fry: But what if he wants to-- I mean, if he tries to ... uh ... Barry White? Coilette: I'll just tell him I need a commitment first. That'll stick a potato in his tailpipe! Hermes: Good Lord, man! What kind of temporary woman are you? Coilette: Look, why don't all of you just back off? Can't a girl enjoy herself without being judged? :takes her handbag, slams the locker door and storms off. Farnsworth: Oh, dear. Her mood swings are getting wilder. She's becoming a slave to her emotions. Just like all women. Particularly you, Leela. :slaps him. Leela: I'm worried about him too, Professor. :['''Scene': Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The evening special is leg of salmon. Coilette chomps her way through a leg.]'' Elzar: Hey, ma'am, you sure can put it away! You saved me a trip to the dump. Bam! Calculon: I'd appreciate it if you didn't bam the young lady. Elzar: Well, I'd appreciate it if I did. So I guess we're even. :leaves. Calculon: You know, Coilette, I've never before met a woman as fascinating as I am. You're such a sweet, soft Fembot. And you have this free spirit about you. belches fire. And there it is. It's as if you understand the male mind better than I! strokes her hand. I've never met anyone like you. Coilette: Oh, yes, you have. Calculon: Coilette, I'd like to spend some whispering quality time with you. Coilette: What? Ah! Whoa! No way! Not gonna happen. What kind of girl do you think I am? Calculon: Have I mentioned that I own the world's biggest and most elegant yacht? :eyes light up. :['''Montage': Coilette and Calculon date to Tom Jones' She's A Lady. They enjoy a trip on his yacht Calculon's Pride which sails on a pool on an even larger yacht called Calculon's Talent. Later, they dance under a mirrorball. Calculon swings Coilette around and her arms extend and she knocks all the other robots over. They sit in an oil hot tub and their photo appears on the cover Famous Actor And Athlete Couples Illustrated magazine.]'' :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. The crew feed scraps to a begging Zoidberg. Enter Coilette.]'' Coilette: Woo! I'm a trophy girlfriend! Amy: No kidding. These gifts have been coming non-stop! points to the gifts, a cheque for "Cash" and a vase of puppies on the table. I think Calculon's falling for you. :puppies bark and Coilette throws her hat down and puts her coat over the top of them. Coilette: Bah! Any day now he'll dump me for a new wad of arm candy. And then I can turn back into a guy and hock all this stuff! It's just a game. :and Leela glare at him. Calculon walks through the wall. Calculon: Coilette, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't sleep at night, although, as a robot, I don't do that anyway. But if I did I couldn't because I love you so. Boxy. Oh, my darling ... opens Boxy's head, takes out a ring and goes down on his knees. ... Will you marry me? :looks up at the gobsmacked crew. Coilette: Oh, Calculon! Yes, I will! :puts the ring on her finger. Amy nudges Leela. Amy: whispering Maybe she's right about the lipstick. :Lapse. Calculon is gone and Coilette is preparing to leave. Fry: I'll miss you, buddy. You've been like a brother and then a sister to me. And now you're getting married. I love you, man. Coilette: The marriage is a scam. Fry: Cool. What's for dinner? Leela: What do you mean "a scam"? Coilette: I marry Calculon, divorce him, take half his money and turn back into a guy. It's sort of a two-person pyramid scheme. Fry: That's marriage alright! Leela: That is so unbelievably manipulative. Coilette: Come on! You never went on a date with a guy just 'cause you were hungry? Leela: Well I, uh, I thought I might like him on a full stomach. Coilette: Nice try, sister. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to meet with my wedding planner. shouting Zoidberg. Zoidberg with a pile of eight wedding dress catalogues. talking Zoidypoo, please tell me frilly is in this year. :flips through a catalogue. Zoidberg: I saw a frilly cake in here you would remember all your life. I know I will. Late at night it haunts me with its frosted beauty. shouting Order the cake, damnit! :['''Scene': Hot Air Balloon. Calculon and Coilette fly over the countryside.]'' Calculon: I have something for you. :hands her a remote control. Coilette: A remote control? You got me a TV? Calculon: No, my dearest, it's the remote control to my heart. It symbolises the power you have to sway my emotions. Coilette: Will it work on my TV? Calculon: We don't need TVs, we have each other! Coilette, if I weren't able to spend my life with you I would leap from this very balloon. Coilette: Come on with that. Really? Calculon: Yes! We were meant to be. Coilette: So ... you really and truly love me? Calculon: So much so that I'm prepared to give up showbusiness itself to be with you. :gasps. Coilette: But, you always said you'd rather burn down a convent than give up showbusiness. Calculon: I always said many things. But now all I want is a peaceful life and a quiet villa overlooking a vineyard ... with you. :starts to cry. Coilette: crying Would we have donkeys? Calculon: All you could eat! :hugs him. Coilette: crying Oh, take me in your arms and compress me. Compress me tight! Calculon: Stop! Let us climb to the heavens that the gods themselves might envy us! :picks up Boxy and throws him out of the balloon. The balloon climbs into the sky. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Coilette sits at the table crying. The crew are sat around.]'' Coilette: crying I just don't think I can go through with this scam. :crew gasp. Amy: What? Fry: So now you do wanna marry him? Coilette: crying No, I just don't wanna hurt him, or humiliate him. Oh, curse this woman's heart! :cries more. Fry: Eck! Farnsworth: You're falling into the final debilitating stages of womanhood. You've waited too long to switch back, you ding bat! Leela: OK, look. If I help you with this do you promise to get out of my gender and stay out? Coilette: crying Uh-huh. Leela: Alright. Now there's no way to stop this marriage without hurting Calculon. But he's an actor. If there's one kind of pain he can handle, it's soap opera pain. :['''Scene': Outside Church. Above the church doors is a banner reading "Celebrity Wedding. Ordinary People Not Invited". Farnsworth walks Coilette up the aisle and a little robot carries her train. At the back of the crowd are Fry, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg and Leela. Fry is dressed in a hat and sleeveless jacket, Zoidberg is kitted out in medical scrubs and Leela wears a blonde wig and a dress. She puts a sunglass over her eye.]'' Leela: whispering OK, is everyone ready? Fry: Check. Amy: Uh-huh. Hermes: Yep! Zoidberg: Basically. :split and Zoidberg scuttles off and woops. At the front, the ceremony begins. Preacherbot: Dearly beloved actors and casting people who might be looking for someone to play a preacher, I welcome you. The bride has written some vows that we will now all pretend to be interested in. :and Calculon turn to each other. Coilette: Dearest Calculon, forever is not enough time to tell you of the many ways I love you. :faints theatrically. The crowd gasps. Hedonismbot: Oh, my! Calculon: Is there a doctor in the-- Zoidberg: I came as soon as I could. puts a stethoscope to Coilette's head and gasps. It appears to be a case of African hydraulic fever! Calculon: Dear God! The very illness my TV character caught in season two when I was holding out for more money. It's often fatal. Coilette: Whatever happens, remember, the flame of my eternal love will burn forever. Calculon: Of course. But, smoochiepups, I thought one could only catch hydraulic fever deep in the diamond mines of the Congo. :stands up from her seat. Leela: shouting Coilette, you she-devil! crowd gasps. You really thought you could steal those diamonds from me and Congo Jack? :stands up. Coilette: shouting Those gems belong to the natives! Leela: Hi-yah! :kicks Coilette in the face and Amy restrains her. Calculon: Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is. shouting Why? Coilette: Calculon, my darling, your loud "why" brought me partway back to life. rides a motorcycle through the buffet table and up the aisle. He stops and Calculon and Coilette take a step back. Congo Jack! Calculon: Another shocking twist! :plays some shocking twist music. Fry: Yes. And I have a message for you from Colonel Mitumbay! He says this ... pulls out a spear. ... is from Congo Jack. :throws the spear and it hits a flower pot. Coilette: Uh, um... :takes it out of the flower pot and tucks it under her arm, screams, and falls over. Calculon: No! Nooo! shouting N-O-O-O! Coilette: I won't leave you. Not until I'm sure you understand the thing I said before. About my eternal love for you burning ... gags. ... et cetera. Calculon: crying I do. I do. Coilette: OK then. :dies in a very melodramatic and soap-y way. Zoidberg eats what is left of the buffet. Zoidberg: eating I'm a doctor, she's dead. Calculon: She lives no more. But let us all find comfort knowing that she truly loved me. To honour my pain, I shall star in a film dedicated to her memory. And this time, the Academy will not deny me. Not when they see Coilette: A Calculon Story. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew watch Calculon's film on TV. The Coilette character is lying dead with Calculon at her side. In the background Preacherbot waves.]'' Calculon: TV Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow, angry anger, fearful fear, normal every emotion an actor can display. :files away the last bit of hair from Coilette's head. Farnsworth: Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes. :chisels something between Coilette's legs. Coilette: Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Fry: Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals. Coilette: It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself. Farnsworth: Almost done. Coilette: If only somehow, someway, he and I could-- :antenna springs up. Bender: Drive to Vegas, pick up some Flooziebots and void their warranties all night long! :sits up and cheers. Fry: Yay! My buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normal. Leela: I kind of hoped this whole experience would have left you a little more open to your sensitive side. Bender: Yeah, you'd think, but what you gonna do? :takes a puff from a cigar. On the TV it is raining and Calculon holds Coilette in his arms. Calculon: TV Coilette, the skies themselves weep upon the sweetest flower of all the field. Leela: Aw! Amy: Aw! Fry: Ew! Zoidberg: Gross. Farnsworth: Sentimental drivel-poop. :Farnsworth and Hermes leave. Fry: C'mon, Bender, let's go. This chick-flick is getting me all barfy. Bender: Yeah. Emotions are dumb and should be hated. :leaves and he starts out after him. He stops and looks at the TV. Calculon: TV Goodnight, Coilette, my turtle dove. :eyes well up with tears. Bender: Goodnight, Calculon. :and Leela turn around. Leela: What did you say? Bender: I said you two don't dress trampy enough. walks out. I still got it! :twangs his antenna. :Credits. Category:Season 4 Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts